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So today it has been exactly one year since my mom died of cancer. One whole year. I havent seen my mother in a year, and i wont see her again till i die. I was thinking that all day and it was so sad.

So today, to honnor my motherapos;s memory, i curled my hair, and wore all pink. No black at all, except for my finger nails lol. It was pretty emotional and i almost cried during school, but thanks to some very good friends- a lot of good friends actually-who were armed and ready with hugs, i didnt break down.

Till i went to the cemetery. I actually thought i wasnt going to be able to go, but my ex-step dad(?) Doug took me. We stopped by ingles and bought a boquet of flowers and they were beautiful, i picked em out. The whole way to the cemetery i listened to my "suffering" playlist on my iPod. I have music to match my moods.

I had barely put the flowers in the vase by her head stone when all the tears i had been holding in all day burst out. There was just this overwhelming grief�that tasted like mid-summer, when i dropped into my deepest depression, and it kinda sucked. Ok, it really sucked. So for about 10 minutes i just cried until i couldnt cry anymore, or breathe through my nose. I looked one more time at the grave and walked back to the car so Doug could have some time alone.

In the car i cried a lil again�(so much for no more tears, eh?) and i ended up praying. I prayed because i was sad and missed my mommy, because she got to go to heaven and i was still stuck on crappy, ozone deteriorating, suicidal�bombing�earth, and i cried because a samll part of me held some doubt. Some doubt that God didnt exist and there was no heaven and therefore i would never�see my mom again( Lord, please forgive me). But i know, deep down inside, that God and Heaven do exist and iapos;m going to be there one day, right beside my mom.

I thanked God for bringing my mom to heaven, and asked him to keep her safe for me always, and then Doug came back and we went out to eat.

I really have to say, that afternoon was one of the most heartbreakingly beautiful scenes of my life. The colors and softness and emotion were just so tangible that�i felt like my mom was all around me in every aspect of what i saw. I tend to get really sentimental and nostalgic around this time of year, i think its my very favorite and most dreaded season. Odd, isnt it?

And on the way home, a single star appeared in the twighlight sky, and so i made a wish. I even said the little chant thing. The "i wish i may, i wish i might" thing. And so here i am, content and at peace, hoping for a better morrow. Iapos;m pretty sure it will be -_^
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